Posted by: claudiachanning on: March 15, 2008
Enjoy!
-Claudia
Dear Men of Craigslist,
Look, I know you men have it difficult. Women are just about impossible to understand, much less please. In a post-feminist society, you never know exactly what you should be doing. Women are bloody picky, I know we are. It can be scary, too, when women freak out about what appear to be benign issues. And men who do their best to be respectful, female-positive humans, I salute you, I do.
But please, please just fuck me already. Honestly, I appreciate your thoughtfulness. I like that you want to take things slow. I can totally get behind the idea of emotional connection, but dearjesusinheaven, FUCK ME. We’ve done dinner and drinks. We’ve gone dancing. We’ve cuddled and watched a movie. I’m wearing a low cut shirt and you’ve been staring at my breasts all night. Goodgodalmighty, get to it and fuck me.
When we get hot and heavy, please take charge. Please, please fuck me. Trust me, I’m not going to just lie still – I’ll get involved. But don’t make me force your hand into my panties. That makes me feel like a rapist. We’ve been kissing for a half hour and your hand keeps grazing my ass. That’s nice, but it’s time to move forward. Get on top of me. Don’t make me get on top right out of the gate and start bobbing up and down on your cock like I’m practicing some crazy new aerobic yoga because YOU won’t go down on me. Roll on top and start dry humping like a good boy should. Don’t gently suck my nipples and then pull back when I moan with pleasure. You being coy is totally not what I want. It’s not what WE want.
OK, I know it’s scary. There are lots of women out there who make fucking really difficult. So, I have compiled some handy tips. Don’t think of this as complaining, or as schadenfreude for the Andrea Dworkins of the world. Just some simple tips, for timid men who have forgotten what it means to fuck like men:
1. Taking charge is not bad. Oh, there will be some women who feel that you are pushy. If you are making out with a woman, and she starts to push back, ask nicely if things are moving too fast. If she says yes, say something like “I’m sorry – you just look so fucking delicious. I’ll go slower.” Otherwise, skillfully move forward. If you start kissing a woman, and she responds well, and before long, you’re both on the floor with her skirt pushed up, and you on top of her, it’s not the time to roll onto your back and start awkwardly stroking the top of her head. Seriously, grow a goddamn pair. YOU’RE the man. Act like one.
2. Ohmyfuckinggod, please learn to respect the clit. It’s different for every woman, so ask what she likes. Do not, I repeat, do not just wiggle your fingers around her pussy like you’re trying to tickle her. Do not drum your fingertips against her vulva like you are impatiently waiting at the Sears Tire Center for your receipt. Do not push the clit like it is a doorbell at some house that you need to get inside of. Start by using all four fingers with firm yet gentle pressure against the outside of her pussy. Do not charge in with a single finger and start jabbing at things. And if you really don’t know what to do, ask her. Just ask. “How do you like it?”. It’s a simple question, and most women will answer straight out. If she’s being all coy, ask “Do you like pressure? Is it sensitive?” The clitoris is a varied item, indeed. Treat each one as though you have never encountered one before. Forget everything that your last partner liked.
3. Most women like to be fucked, and fucked well. Yes, there are women out there who want to “make love” every time – sweet, gentle, rocking love with lots of eye contact and loving kisses. Those women are not the majority. The majority like to be pounded. The majority like to have their hair pulled. The majority like a good, solid jackhammering. When a woman is bucking wildly against you, it’s not because she wants you to pull back and slowly swirl your cock around her vagina like you’re mixing a cake batter up there. It’s because she wants you to hold down her arms, or grab her hips, or push her legs above her head, and fuck her harder. Don’t be too afraid of what this means as far as gender equality goes – I am a raging feminist bitch, but I still want to be penetrated like you are planning on fucking my throat from the inside out.
4. A little roughness is nice. Do not pretend that you had no idea that some women like their hair pulled. Do not act shocked if she wants you to spank her (”Really? Spanking? Won’t it hurt?” – yes, it does. That’s the fucking point). We know you’ve read Stuff and Maxim, and that’s all those laddie mags talk about in their “How to Please Her” sections. Start with light, full handed smacks to the area of her ass that she sits on. Judge her response and continue on from there. You don’t have to bend her over one knee and tell her she’s a naughty girl and that Daddy’s going to punish her; save that for the fifth date. Women are less delicate than you think, so don’t worry about breaking her hip.
5. It’s OK for you to make noise. Otherwise, we feel like we are fucking a ninja. Unless you actually are a ninja, and have sneaked into our rooms with vibrating nanuchaku and zippered black pajamas, please, please make some noise. If you’re banging a woman, and she’s crying out and saying your name and moaning, and you can’t even manage a grunt, she’s going to feel like an idiot. You don’t have to make the sounds she is making, but do SOMETHING. You know how when you are watching porn, and the girl does something great to the guy and the guy kind of goes “Ah!”, half grunt, half yell? That’s HOT. Do that. Whisper our name (assuming you know it) gruffly. Groan against her neck when you’re in missionary position. You don’t have to grunt like a mountain gorilla, but if you are totally mute, she’s going to get worried.
6. Most women like dirty talk, in addition to the grunting. If you’d like to get some dirty talk going, ask her if she likes the way you fuck her. If she responds well, continue with something like, “I love fucking you. God, you look so fucking hot.” Is she still moaning in response? “Your tits are so beautiful.” Does that work? If she doesn’t respond well to the term “tits”, you might have to stop there. If she keep moaning or responding, pass Go and collect $200. Try the following:
“Oh, god. Your pussy is SO tight.”
“You’re so wet – are you wet because you like the feel of my cock ramming you?”
“I think I’m going to come inside you. I’m going to fill up your little cunt.” It doesn’t matter that you’re wearing a condom; we LOVE hearing this.
If all of those work, you can then progress to things like “sexy little bitch” and “dirty whore”. Tread carefully, but please, tread. Do not tiptoe. Do not sit down. Charge.
6. You’re not obligated to eat a woman out. In return, she’s not obligated to choke on your dick. Don’t skip one and expect the other. If you do eat a woman out, the only comment you should make about her pussy is how nice it is. The length of her labia minora, the color of her interior, her waxing job or full bush – you are not John Madden. No time for color commentary.
7. Do not bitch about condoms. Oh, we hate them. Trust us. They hurt us more than they hurt you. But we don’t want to be preggers, and you don’t want to catch anything, right? Don’t whine about condom sex. Do not explain that you can’t come with one on. LEARN to come with one on, or if not, help us figure out what to do with you once we’re satisfied and it’s time for you to let loose your load.
8. We really like it when you come. It’s called a money shot for a reason. Watching semen shoot out of you is one of the most gratifying things EVER. However, do not assume that she wants you to jack it off onto her face. She might, but don’t assume. Seeing and/or feeling you come is rewarding for us, so there’s no need to deprive us of it, but please do consult us before unleashing. “I think I’m going to come – how do you like it?” is a fair question that shouldn’t rob you of your testicles.
In recent memory, I’ve been fucked by a very aggressive, manly guy, and I’ve been… well, fucked is the wrong term here. I’ve been penetrated by a total and utter wuss. Who am I going to run back to when I’m ready for my fill? Manly McHardon, that’s who.
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[I]*New point of clarification – some people have brought up some really great issues in response to this post, so let me say this: I don’t mean to imply that all women like to be treated like whores. I do mean to say that most women I know have told me that they like sex rougher than most men give it to them. Rough does NOT equal chains and bondage. And this applies to the bedroom only, and does not mean that she wants you to choose her dinner for her, or treat her like less of a person.
**Some women have said that they don’t like it rough and what the hell am I thinking? Well, girls, you’re in the minority. HOWEVER, all women need to remember that, in addition to be straight forward about your sexual desires, you need to be straight forward about your sexual limits. Don’t be afraid to ask for more, but when something feels wrong, say so. Don’t ever do something you don’t want to do in silence and then blame the guy. Silence is dangerous.
Posted by: claudiachanning on: March 5, 2008
You want to know what I do for a living? Ask me. My time is very expensive. Probably more than yours. I get $500 an hour. How much do you get? No whips, no ropes, no spikes. I’ve liquor and entertainment. Anything else, you bring your own. It works like this: You call me up, we make a date, I look you over and IF I like you… we make a deal. And, darlin’ I am worth the trouble. Take my word for it, if you want the best. Do you want the best? I am talking about taking your body to heaven and sending your mind south. I’m talking about spoiling you so bad… you’ll hate every other woman you touch. I’m talking about my mouth on your mouth and my tongue anywhere you want it. I’m talking about indulging your every fantasy and then giving you those fantasies one by one. Just for you. All for you. Nobody but you. Do you get all that, darling? Would you like that, baby? Do you get what I’m telling you?
Barbra Streisand in her portrayal of Claudia Draper in Nuts
Posted by: claudiachanning on: March 4, 2008
I am often asked why I don’t show my face on my website. The answer is quite simple: because it is a choice and I am VERY contented. I value discretion and relish my amenity. Case in point, I was shopping with a girlfriend and a gentleman walked right up to us as he had recognized her face from Eros.com. She was mortified.
In another instance, a girlfriend of mine was vacationing at a sex positive retreat. A guy walked right up to her and demanded to have an intimate encounter with her. Revolted by his demeaning attitude, she declined. The reminder of the retreat, he outed her to anyone who would listen, telling people where she advertised and how much she charged.
Additionally, I would hate to attend a gala with a gentleman friend and draw adverse attention towards myself and my leading man due to the result of indiscretion.
Everyone is not as open-minded as we would like them to be. In my personal time and private life, I entertain large groups of people. I don’t think it would go well with my sponsors if someone inquired about me and my services in the mist of a presentation or reception.
Moreover, I believe a lady should leave something to the imagination. I love the surprised look I receive when I arrive to an encounter! Many think my face is my best asset!
Interestingly enough, this link was forwarded to me today to further back my conviction.
Posted by: claudiachanning on: February 28, 2008
Basically what happens during these conditions is you admit to a criminal act and are hoping they will honor their promise not to bring you up on charges or make you a material witness. Their promises mean nothing. They can lie, they cannot promise what they don’t control, the laws.
We do have rights, it’s just hard to remember them under this type of situation, unless you’ve been there once before and have learned from your own mistakes, of course that lesson likely cost you a time and a lot of money.
Here is what was written years ago to protect our rights to due process – it’s called the 5th ammendment – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fifth_Amendment_to_the_United_States_Constitution
“No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use without just compensation.”
If you can’t walk away because they are threatening to arrest you. Don’t forget what you say and when you say it, it will make the world of difference.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miranda_warning
In the United States, the Miranda warning is a warning given by police to criminal suspects in police custody, or in a custodial situation, before they are asked questions relating to the commission of a crime. A custodial situation is where the suspect’s freedom of movement is restrained although he or she is not under arrest. An incriminating statement by a suspect will not constitute admissible evidence unless the suspect was advised of his or her “Miranda rights” and made a knowing, intelligent, and voluntary waiver of those rights. However, police may request biographical information such as name, date of birth, and address, without first reading suspects their Miranda warnings.[citation needed]
The Miranda warnings were mandated by the 1966 United States Supreme Court decision in the case of Miranda v. Arizona as a means of protecting a criminal suspect’s Fifth Amendment right to avoid coercive self-incrimination (see right to silence).
Rights to silence is the key -
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Right_to_silence
The right to silence is a legal protection given to people undergoing police interrogation or trial. The law is recognized, explicitly or by convention, in many of the world’s legal systems.
The right covers a number of issues centered around the right to refuse to answer questions. This can be the right to avoid self-incrimination or the right to not answer any questions. The right usually includes the provision that adverse comment or inferences cannot be made by the judge or jury about the refusal to answer questions before or during a trial or hearing. The right extends from the moment of suspension of freedom of movement (usually arrest) to the end of the trial.
Posted by: claudiachanning on: February 27, 2008
Unfortunately, old sexual standards ensure that the friends-with-benefits choice isn’t really yours at the end of the day. The woman, as usual, gets to call the shots (assuming you have done your footwork). All you can do is make sure she knows that you’re willing, ready and able. This entails giving straightforward clues as to your wishes and desires to be friends with benefits.
The rules of being friends with benefits must be mutually agreeable, because if one of you isn’t getting what you want, the relationship is worthless. If one of you starts to have feelings for the other — well you can deal with that when and if the time comes, but remember there are many things to consider when approaching a potential friend for benefits.
How do I get a friend with benefits?
Friends with benefits are sometimes very hard to find. This is because it takes an open and sexual person who is in a particular stage of their life to be up for it. You get to have a friend with benefits by asking for it indirectly — subtlety is the key.
Test the waters
When you think that you have met a suitable “friend,” find out where she is in her life. Lack of appropriate relationship material or a recent break up, priorities in travel or a career or simply enjoying ones freedom are all reasons why people may want to become friends with benefits and avoid the “I love you” disclaimer. So, the conversations that you have with her should be about her attitudes toward sex, relationships (and the typical dramas that accompany them), being single and how you both find it, etc. It should be fairly easy to tell if she is open about sex, if she misses having regular sex, and if she is keen for some company.
Your next move will be to tell her about you, in charming, but not uncertain terms. Ensure that she knows you are definitely not looking for a girlfriend and that you find it such a shame that it’s so hard to find someone who is half-decent who just wants to become friends with benefits. This is all you have to do at this point (throw in a wink if you’re brave). So, now that you know where you each stand, and if she finds you attractive, you should end up in the sack shortly. A couple of one liners, preferably with a compliment slipped in there, wouldn’t go astray (avoid this strategy if you’re a lousy comedian). Basically, you want to take her home and show her what she would be missing out on if she didn’t see you again.
Set the standard
Chances are you will meet this potential friend with benefits at a party, while you’re out with other friends, drinking, and having a good time. You can’t force this relationship; it will either happen on its own or it won’t. It isn’t something you can trick or cajole anyone into. It’s a mutual decision that’s made over the course of weeks or months. When you do start sleeping together, it will probably be on the weekends, and you’ll both know that it is what it is — and it will simply continue. The difference between a friend with benefits and a one-night stand is the magic phrase “I don’t want a girlfriend/boyfriend,” — and smooth legs every time. As long as that is crystal clear, nothing much can go wrong.
What not to do
Don’t come across like a desperate horny male — there are enough of them in the world. She wants someone who knows what he wants, is sure of himself and knows his way around the female body. Having a nice personality is very important too, especially if you are going to frequently wake up next to each other.
You can’t kick her out before breakfast. It has to be clear that you have a reasonable grasp of sexual and social etiquette and are going to treat her like an equal, not like a piece of meat. You also have to impress her just like you would any other woman, but you have to impress her in different ways, and on a whole, a lot less than normal.
You don’t need to keep repeating yourself, and don’t complain about how horny you are — it comes across as crass. Crass men are renowned as being the ones who aren’t that good in bed, and don’t know how to treat a woman. Just because she isn’t your girlfriend doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve your respect. Don’t treat a friend-with-benefits relationship as a cheap commodity, but enjoy and cherish it for what it is — a supremely excellent situation that you should attempt to keep as long as it’s appropriate.
Another no-no is sleeping with someone who has told you that they are looking for Mr Right. You are not him, so don’t use her. It will be so much more fun with someone who is on your wavelength. If you sense it wouldn’t work out to be mutually agreeable, don’t do it. There are plenty more fish in the sea and all that.
The pitfalls
There are some obvious potential complications to having a friend with benefits. The first is that one of you will start crushing, and one of you won’t. The inclusion of serious romantic feelings past the general affection and attraction you will both feel for each other is a problematic and regular occurrence. And it isn’t always the soppy females crashing head over heels either; guys are just as bad when it suits you. It is easy enough to do and, since we are all human and designed to connect with our lovers on many levels, it can get complicated quickly.
The other major problem is the crossing of boundaries. You don’t want her calling you at lunchtime. You don’t want an invite to her mother’s 50th birthday bash. You don’t want to go to the new restaurant downtown. You do, however, want to call her at 1 a.m. if you are in the neighborhood and you want her to do the same. You do want her to spend a Friday night in bed with you, if she hasn’t received a better offer. Because most of these rules are implied, if she oversteps the mark, you need to firmly but kindly set her straight, and hopefully she will do the same for you. It takes a decent pair of people to make this work.
Other considerations are your friends. Will they accept this? Will they know about it? Is there anyone who will have a problem with it? You don’t need anyone’s permission obviously, but it’s good to be thoughtful of the people around you and how your behavior affects them.
Potential problems
Keeping you and your friend with benefits safe is important. If you are both free to sleep with whomever you choose, it is important to protect yourselves. Do you want the mother of your firstborn to be with your friend with benefits? STD’s aren’t pleasant either, so keep them to your please. It would also be helpful not to sleep with anyone she knows — despite loosely applied “rules,” you still need to have some standards of human decency. Even if she presumes you are sleeping with other women, she doesn’t want to hear about it.
Bouncing buddies
Human relationships are frequently complicated, so to find a waterfall in the desert is wonderful and something that, if it goes well, you will remember with great fondness. You can have an immensely satisfying sexual relationship and friendship, with lots of affection, good sex and a laugh. It doesn’t have to be with an “easy” woman, and you don’t have to act like gods gift or a “player” — just act like a person.
Be yourself and enjoy not having to act like an ass to try to score a girlfriend. Fortunately, she doesn’t have to worry if you would make a good father or if you do housework. The friend-with-benefits relationship relieves you both of the burden of finding the right partner and you can just enjoy each other as is.
Posted by: claudiachanning on: February 24, 2008
There’s some mighty fine advice in these words, even if you’re not superstitious. This has been sent To you for good luck from the Anthony Robbins organization. It has been sent around the world ten times so Far.
ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
THREE. Don’t believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
FOUR. When you say, ‘I love you ,’ mean it.
FIVE. When you say, ‘I’m sorry,’ look the person in the eye.
SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone’s dream. People who don’t have dreams don’t have much.
NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it’s the only way to live life completely.
TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
ELEVEN. Don’t judge people by their relatives.
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, smile and ask, ‘Why do you want to know?’
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
FIFTEEN. Say ‘bless you’ when you hear someone sneeze.
SIXTEEN. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson !
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R’s: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions.
EIGHTEEN. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
NINETEEN. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.
A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart. Do not keep this message
Posted by: claudiachanning on: February 20, 2008
1- She’s “in your face”
Suddenly, you’ll become aware of her presence everywhere — she “just happens” to show up wherever you hang out; you keep passing her in the hallway at work; she “accidentally” bumps into you; she maneuvers to stand close to you at a club.
What she’s doing is trying to get you to notice her and giving you an opportunity to make the first move.The problem with this female strategy is that a lot of guys are completely oblivious to it and consequently throw away a lot of chances to hook up. Men are direct; women are indirect. So, next time a woman starts appearing regularly in your path, be aware that she’s likely doing it on purpose.
2- She has all the right moves
A lot of people say that bodies can’t lie. Nature has programmed humans with a complex set of non-verbal flirting signals that just flow freely when people are interested in someone. These range from the widening of the iris when looking at the object of desire to more overt displays such as smiling or touching.
Here are a few body-language cues to watch out for:
* She points in your direction with her leg, foot or shoulders.
* She leans toward you while talking.
* She plays with or tosses her hair.
* She fidgets with a piece of jewelry (like an earring) or strokes the stem of her glass.
* She keeps her eyes locked on you while she talks or drinks.
* She mirrors your body movements (for example, if you put your hand on the table, she quickly does the same).
* She smiling when you check her out.
If you become aware of a cluster of these signals, you can almost be sure that she’s giving you the green light for romance.
3- She’s never too busy
This is a cardinal rule in the dating game: If a woman is interested in going out with you, she will make herself available . This means that she will give you her work number or e-mail address, she will quickly answer or return your call and she will accept your invitation to get together — and if she’s busy on the day you specify, she will say something like, “Well, I can’t this Saturday, but next Saturday would be fine, if that’s OK.”
You’ll never hear from an interested woman things like, “I’m really busy right now,” or “Let me check my schedule,” or “I just got out of a bad relationship, so I’m all mixed up about men.” Even if she’s currently actively dating someone else, she will keep the lines of communication open with you for the possibility of future contact.
4- She’s curious about you
A woman who’s interested in you wants to know everything about you (so she can talk about you with her girlfriends). She will quiz you about your family, your background, and your tastes in such things as food, music and movies. Very often, what she’s doing is trying to catalog your interests so that she can mimic your likes and dislikes in order to bond with you — if you’re crazy about hot air ballooning, suddenly, she is too.
5- She uses “The Probe” on you
“The Probe” is the female tool used for ascertaining a man’s financial resources.The Probe seems like a series of casual questions, but behind it is a ruthless calculator that’s ticking away. When a woman first meets a man that she might be interested in dating, she will quiz him on his job, where he lives and what kind of car he drives, all within the confines of a natural conversation. If you give the “right” answers, then the flirting signals will follow; but if you aren’t up to her “standards,” she’s gone in a cloud of dust.
6- She “futures” you
An interested woman is wide open for any future plans with you. In fact, she will often say something like, “Oh… you like bowling, too? We should do that some time.” When she’s operating in this mode, make no mistake about it — she wants you to ask her out.
7- She’s on pins and needles
If she’s really interested, she’ll be as nervous as a cat around you, especially if you’re clueless about reading her signals.Of course, she could be just a normally shy person, so watch how she interacts with others — if she’s only fidgety around you, then she’s probably thinking romance.
8- She’s jealous of other women you talk to
She has thegreen-eyed monsteron her back. An interested woman will watch her competition like a hawk (and with talons bared). So, if you notice her steaming just because you’re joking around with other women, you can be sure that she wants you to be more than just her friend.
It’s time to make your move
These are some of the most obvious signalswomen emit when they want you. But be on your toes — spotting just one of these signs might not necessarily be enough to determine her interest (a lot of women are openly friendly to everyone).
However, if a lot of these signals are coming your way, it’s a pretty safe bet that you could score a date this weekend.
Posted by: claudiachanning on: February 19, 2008
The truth about Hugh Hefner and being his “Girlfriend”.
Posted by: claudiachanning on: February 17, 2008
We’re in the early stages of what I would describe as the Third World War, and, frankly…we don’t have the right attitude.’ — Newt Gingrich, on NBC’s Meet the Press, July 16, 2006
Posted by: claudiachanning on: February 15, 2008
“I love you, I love you, I love you…”
I love you, I love you, I love you…
I don’t know what else to say to you or why I’m saying it, but I have to tell you.
Something is making me, I love you.
I’m not a dangerous or crazy person, although I wouldn’t blame you for thinking so.
I loved you the minute I saw you coming up the sidewalk carrying that bunch of balloons.
I loved the parting in your hair and the shape of your mouth.
I loved the way you stood still and put your arms around me that was later.
I think of it every day, a hundred times, or rather I think of it continually, exactly how your hands felt pressing against my back and how it was to hold you, your wonderful thinness.
I can’t seem to think of anything outside that minute when we were standing together by your front door.
I just love you.
I love you plain and simple.
I love you.
From Carol Shields, “The Republic Of Love”
